Mummies never die or Imhotep's chase
by Juliss the Severed Snake
Summary: My first Mummy fanfic. Trying to make impression on his girlfriend, Alex...what do you think? Yes, resurrected Imhotep again! Chapters 4 and 5 are here. Pls R/R!
1. Resurrection, or never trust the girls!

Mummy2.html
    
    **Mummies never die or Imhotep's chase.**
    
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    **Script for movie "Good Old Mummy comes back and sucks you dry, dudes".**
    
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    **_By Julis, also known as Seti the Last and High Priest of Seth._**
    
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    **Part of Imhoteps words are in Hebrew (see "The Mummy") and part in ancient Egyptian, so**
    
    **don't be confused!**
    
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    **Chapter 1: Resurrection or never trust the girls.**
    
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    **The story starts in 1942 or around, when Alex was 15.**
    
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    **Scene 1: School excursion in British Museum. Since the curator was ripped in pieces by**
    
    **Scorpion King couple of years ago, Jonathan took the job. Alex and his new girlfriend Sally**
    
    **listens to his explanations:**
    
    **Jonathan: Look, here we can see several souvenirs from Hamunaptra. This one is the**
    
    **mummy of Seti in age of 5. This is the mummy of same Seti in age 70. Well, what else we**
    
    **have? Several teeth of Anuck-Su-Namun, jar with scarab bugs, plastic copy of Book of the**
    
    **Dead…Hey don't touch this you stupid boy! And what is this (looking with puzzled**
    
    **expression at underwear, embroidered with little hearts and with inscription "Rick was**
    
    **here")**
    
    **Jonathan (blushing): Oh yes I think that my baby sister forgot this in some crypt during her**
    
    **last journey in Hamunaptra.**
    
    **Alex and Sally are deep in conversation:**
    
    **Alex (boasting): And then I recited this incantation and my mom sprang back into life…**
    
    **Sally (with very skeptic expression): Oh no, not this stupid story again! I don't believe one**
    
    **word!**
    
    **Alex (indignantly): But I did this!**
    
    **Sally: Well then do it again. You have a lot of these dead guys here, if you manage to revive**
    
    **even one of them I'll kiss your butt.**
    
    **Alex: Done!**
    
    **_*Starts to recite incantation*_**
    
    **_Immediately mummies started to leap from their sarcophaguses, twitch and whim._**
    
    **_Scholars screams and runs in every direction. Teacher stays petrified in a corner. Stuffed_**
    
    **_animals from the next room also springs into life and partakes in wrecking havoc all over_**
    
    **_the place._**
    
    **Sally: Enough, I believe you!**
    
    **_But Alex seems to be too deeply absorbed in chanting and hears nothing._**
    
    **_Sally punches him painfully on the ass and at last he shuts up, but it's too late. Havoc_**
    
    **_seems to be complete. Jonathan cries: "Save ancient artworks!", breaks the nearest_**
    
    **_glass, snatches golden statue of Anubis and are going to flee. Little army of scarabs and_**
    
    **_locusts bursts into the room and starts chewing on teacher's legs._**
    
    **Alex: Hey I don't summon you, you disgusting insects!**
    
    **Sally: Don't worry it's not your fault. They just came from the second story where**
    
    **third-years had their entomology lesson.**
    
    **Alex: Well then. Now where is my kiss?**
    
    **_But before Sally answered ominous music starts to play and something breaks into the_**
    
    **_room. At the closer look something appears to be great mummy, with eyes, tongue,_**
    
    **_T-shirt with motto "I hate you O'Connel l" on the chest and wearing blue jeans. On his_**
    
    **_heels limps American tourist without eyes, tongue, T-shirt and jeans, but with big camera._**
    
    **_He's blubbering something about his eyes, tongue, T-shirt, jeans and wallet, so we can_**
    
    **_make quick conclusions about the source of mummy's garments and organs (not about_**
    
    **_the wallet, because this was stolen by Jonathan a hour before)._**
    
    **Mummy: Shalom, haverim! (Hebrew: Hi, buddies!)**
    
    **Alex: He says he came to take over the world! Run for your life!**
    
    **Sally (with dreamy smile): He looks kind of cute…**
    
    **Mummy (as if remembering something instantly): Anuck-Su-Namun!**
    
    **(Looking askance at old teacher woman, half eaten by scarabs): Anuck-Su-Namun?**
    
    **Teacher: Aaarggghhhhhhh!**
    
    **(Looking askance at Jonathan, who seems to be petrified at the spot): Anuck-Su-Namun?**
    
    **Jonathan: No, no. I just have one of those faces…**
    
    **(Looking askance at Alex): Anuck-Su-Namun?**
    
    **Alex: No thank you very much, you ignominious gay!**
    
    **(Looking askance at Sally): Anuck-Su-Namun?**
    
    **Sally (with same foolish smirk): I wouldn't say no…**
    
    **Mummy gonna kiss her, but at that moment stuffed cat from the next room runs in and with**
    
    **horrible howl mummy turns into big pile of dirt.**
    
    **Alex: Run you stupid chick!**
    
    **Grabs Sally's arm and runs off the building.**
    
    **Jonathan: Well I was always sure it's a lousy job!**
    
    **Grabs all the golden and jewel things around and runs off the building.**
    
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    **Any feedback will be appreciated (it means r/r, or you will be sucked dry by horde of**
    
    **rampaging mummies and then your miserable remnants will be eaten by scarabs! LoL!)**
    
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    **More later…**
    
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	2. I woona look cute, dudes!

mum2.html **Disclaimer / author: The night descended on the unhappy city, along with several German airplanes and several dozens of bombs (you forgot the year, didn't you?), while the dwellers of British Museum were occupied with other things…******

**Chapter 2: I wonna be cute, dudes!******

**Hour or something like that passed and pile of dirt stirred, cursed on ancient Egyptian and turned back into Mummy. At the same time scarab bugs became overfed by teacher and students and got sick. They spitted a little pieces of something abominable onto the floor and onto the Mummy's feet.**   
**Mummy: Disgusting stuff. What could it possibly be?**   
**Reads incantation on ancient Egyptian, and abominable stuff forms itself into Benny's body**   
**Mummy (obviously oblivious to the fact that they had a close acquaintance once): Do you speak English? Parle vu France? Sprefen zi Doich? Uk kuk Volapuk? Ata medaber ivrit? (Author's remark: sorry guys, I would put in more but I'm not very good linguist)**   
**Benny: Beetzem, ani medaber sfat Mitzraim, aval im ata maadif ivrit…(Hebrew: Actually, I can speak ancient Egyptian, but if you prefer Hebrew…)**   
**Mummy: Well then. Serve me for all eternity, and the awards will be great (shows him a couple of fake trinkets, obviously bought in the nearest tourist shop)**   
**Benny (blissfully): I'm with you, Master.**   
**Mummy (looking in the broken glass): What the mess of face! Am I supposed to charm Anuck-Su-Namun in such a revolting appearance? Do something, my servant!  
Benny (wistfully): Well I can bring imagemakers from Universal Studios, but it'll take a time… May be you just can go to the beauty salon and polish your nails?  
Mummy (wearily): Get the chest, you fool of Gabor!  
Benny ducks in the nearest sarcophagus and pulls out the dusty box with great fluorescent inscription on it "Don't drop, breakable stuff".  
Five American Tourists enters the room:  
American Tourist N1: Cool, I like this Mummy advertising company, look what they've put there! He looks just as the Mummy of Imhotep!  
American Tourist N2: And this guy looks like Benny Gabor!  
American Tourist N3: And those bugs looks like flesh-eating scarab bugs!  
Flesh-eating scarab bugs gets insulted and munches him quickly.  
American Tourist N4: Cool, that's looking like they ate him!  
Benny and Imhotep's Mummy (chorused with the same detest in their voices): Americans!**   
**Benny: Hey guys a have an additional surprise from Universal Studios out there!  
American Tourist N1 approaches the chest and reads the label "Great candy lies in this box". However, he didn't put attention to the tiny handwriting under it, which reads: "It sucks!" He opens the chest, great candy leaps from it and sucks him dry.  
Imhotep's Mummy: You dude you messed the boxes!  
Benny (carelessly) : All right, no problems!  
Shoves the chest and dry body under the sarcophagus and pulls out a new one.  
Benny (to the American Tourist N4): Couldn't you please open that box? The lock system is really tricky, I cannot work it out…  
American Tourist N4 (with stupid proud smile): Easily!  
Opens the chest and gets sucked dry by Imhotep.  
Imhotep: That was tasty! Proceed!**   
**Benny (to the American Tourist N3): Hey guy wonna win a free trip to Majorca for you and your girlfriend? Just open that box and that's it!**   
**American Tourist N3 opens the chest and gets sucked dry by Imhotep.**   
**Imhotep (looking in the mirror, which he had stolen from the handbag of eaten teacher): One more effort!**   
**Benny (to the American Tourist N…Gad, I messed this numbers thing, so just to remained American Tourist): Buddy, open that chest and you'll get sucked dry by scary big Mummy!**   
**Remained American Tourist: With my whole pleasure!**   
**Opens the chest and gets sucked dry by the Imhotep.**   
**Imhotep (now looking great): I looks great! Now to resurrect Anuck-Su-Namun and conquer the world!**   
**Benny (tentatively): May be better first conquer the world and then resurrect Anuck-Su-Namun?**   
**Imhotep: Tistom and leh tizdaien! (Hebrew…Hmm, are you sure you wonna read the translation in PG-13 fiction?)******

**Any feedback will be appreciated, otherwise the gang of scary little pygmies will stub their scary big knifes in your asses, dear readers!******

**More later…**   
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	3. No harm can come from reading the book?!

mum3.html I would like to thank you, my beloved readers, for your reviews, it helps a lot to write these sequel things. ImhotepsGirl, KatieScarlet and of course Melian, you are the best! 

Chapter 3: No harm can come from reading the book.   
  


We are in O'Connells Mansion, in the library. In the back of the room under the 

enormous slogan "A time of your life!" sits Jonathan, recklessly getting drunken, smoking 

large joint and caressing several half-naked girls, perched on his lap. 

Closer to us we can see Sally, who's sitting at the table and perusing large black book, 

entitled "Handbook on the Mummy's private life and sexual habits". Alex is nervously 

strolling around the table, and that's pretty irritating. Big pink note is pinned to the wall, 

which reads: 

_" Darling, we are leaving for Tibet to celebrate our 16th honey month. Please be the good boy and look after your Uncle Jonathan.___

_Mum and Dad___

_P.S. Dinner's in the friger. Your favorite apple pie, darling!"_

Alex: We unleashed the creature, and now it will never eat, it will never sleep and it 

will never stop, and my dear parents are somewhere in Tibet, peacefully snogging and 

leaving us to deal with the trouble! And I hate apple pie! Isn't it unfair? 

Sally (with weird dreamy smile raises her eyes from the book's pages): What exactly? Poor 

creature never eating and drinking? Yeah, it sucks, he loses half of a fun. 

Alex: No, I mean apple pie. 

Sally: It's the pity you hate it. 

Alex: Why? 

Sally: Because it's the only meal I know to cook. Our life after marriage gonna to be 

disastrous. 

She dives back into the book, ignoring furious Alex's glance. 

Alex: Could you leave this book for a minute… 

Instantly chokes and starts to run around the room like decapitated chicken. Sally stops to 

draw little hearts and mummies in the book and stares at him, obviously confused. 

Sally: What's it all about, man? 

Alex (clucking like the same demented chicken): The Book! The Book! 

Sally (with mild curiosity): Are you interested in sexual habits of dead guys? 

Alex: The Golden Book of Amon-Ra! Book of the Dead revives the dead, and the Golden Book 

of Living kills them… 

Sally (with sneer): Are you sure you didn't mix up something? 

Alex: Ask Sommers, he knows better. 

Sally: So what about Golden Book? Isn't it supposed to be on the bottom of sacred pool 

somewhere in Hamunaptra? 

Alex: Yeah, but in the second movie Meela managed to pull out entire Imhotep's body, so 

book sounds like a job for teenagers. 

Sally (wistfully): But we are teenagers. 

Alex: Precisely! It's job for us! We'll fetch the book, kill the guy and mum and dad will 

never know we've done something fishy again! 

Sally: Yeah, like the last time when you've put scarab bug into your auntie Polly's 

nightdress… 

Alex: It was a plain accident. I just wanted to check whether it'd eat silk… 

Sally: Ha-ha, and it ate her! Anyway, what about Imhotep? Are you sure he's going to sit in 

peace and wait until we'll come up to kill him?   


Alex (confidently): Of course not. He's gonna to resurrect his girlfriend, isn't it clear? He's 

pretty consistent in his habbits. 

Sally: And? 

Alex: And he will have a little trouble, because when the dead mummy warriors chopped 

her body into the minute pieces back in Hamunaptra, Dad was smart enough to sell it for 

several souvenir's merchants and I reckon it's quite a task to fetch all of them now! 

Sally: Oh, well then. Go now. 

They are leaving, the library doors shuts after them with great snap. It awakes Jonathan 

from his nirvana. He leaps from the chair, sending the girls flying onto the floor, shouts: 

"Did I miss something? I never!" and with loud bang disappears behind the doors. 

Girls (happily): At least we got rid of him! Now let's have fun! (drinks all Jonathan's whisky, 

smokes his joints, weares his closes, uses his toothbrush and have the time of their lives). 

*********** 

_At the same time somewhere on the German boundary_

Benny, clod in driver's uniform, drives a grand black Limousine which has a label "Home of 

Imhotep, Pharaoh's High Priest" instead of its numbers. Imhotep sits on the back seat, 

perusing a long list. 

Imhotep (mutters to himself): Well, I've got the stomach and left ear, so what's the next? I 

think right ankle is the thing. 

Instantly the German boundary patrol consisting of two sulky soldiers in SS 

uniforms and one utterly bored officer in rank of Shtandartenfurer, comes into sight. 

Officer (boringly): Passkontrolle. Ausstellung der Reisepass (German: Passport control. 

Show your passports.) 

Benny pulls from his pockets something about fifty different passports, ID cards, driver 

cards, AM cards and one very shabby set of game cards, too. All the documents (except of 

the game cards, of course) are apparently false. Imhotep searches his pockets, too, only to 

uncover several dead spiders, one scroll in ancient Egyptian, collarbone of unknown 

identity and several pounds of Sahara sand. 

Officer looks desperately at dead spiders, one scroll in ancient Egyptian, collarbone of 

unknown identity and several pounds of Sahara sand, trying to find out, which of those 

things could possibly be a passport. 

Officer: What's the purpose of your journey? 

Imhotep (to Benny): Tagid lo she ani rak rotze limtzo ahhva sheli (Hebrew: Tell him that I 

only want to find my beloved) 

Officer (looking suspiciously into Imhotep's eye): Are you Jew? 

Imhotep (indignantly): I? Never! 

However, officer seems to be not convinced. He waves to soldiers and they tries to capture 

Imhotep, only to be ripped into pieces by two dozens of his mummified servants which 

were hidden in the car. 

Benny (to Imhotep): I'm not trying to be offensive … But it's a tenth patrol already, and they 

all are sure you are Jew. May be you just can put this Magen David thing on your neck 

inside your robes? 

Imhotep (putting the Magen David thing inside his robes): Ok, buddy. You know, they are 

partly right, because my Granny was Jew slave. 

Benny (hopefully): So you can repatriate in Israel? Right now? 

Imhotep: You forgot the year, didn't you, you fool of Gabor?! 

Benny: Yes, sorry. You know, guy, my Gran also was Jew. 

Imhotep: Really? 

Benny: Yeah, she had this long black hair and crumpled leg and the huge birthmark on her 

nose… 

Imhotep (obviously stunned): And the big ugly scar under her right eye? 

Benny (obviously stunned): Yes. How come you know? 

Imhotep: Well, it seems we are relatives! Brother, little brother! 

Hugs Benny and kisses him on the cheek affectionately. 

Benny (half strangled): Let go of my neck, Master! 

Imhotep (continues wistfully): From the other side my Gran died about 3000 years 

ago. So get off me, you little rat's brat! 

Kicks Benny on the ass and goes into the car. 

************* 

_German National Museum, Berlin, Egypt exposition._

Imhotep, surrounded by his priests, is busy gluing together parts of Anck-Su-Namun body. 

He's certainly not a great expert in anatomy, because Anck-Su-Namun's foot is stuck to 

her forearm and the head to her left shoulder. Benny is valiantly fighting with the group of 

soldiers in black SS uniforms in the corridor. 

Benny: Hurry, Master! 

Imhotep: Patience is a virtue! 

Benny: Not now! 

At last the body seems to be more or less whole, so Imhotep takes the huge black book 

entitled "Black Book of the Dudes" from the hands of his priest and starts to recite 

incantation. At the end he gets stuck. 

Imhotep: Amonkary Massaracsh Anck-Su-Namun…and what the Hell is this symbol? 

Benny (still valiantly fighting with SS soldiers): What it looks like? 

Imhotep (wistfully): Hmm…Well, it looks like fat bird with its legs stuck out… 

Benny (helpfully): Christmas Turkey? 

Imhotep (continues incantation): Amonkary Massaracsh Anck-Su-Namun Christmas 

Turkey… 

Anck-Su-Namun body stirs and she tries to cry, but in vain, because her trachea is 

somewhere over her left ear. At the same time museum guards overcomes valiantly 

fighting Benny and he runs, screaming for mercy. Mummified priests are now preoccupied 

with the battle and Imhotep leaves the place, carrying Anck-Su-Namun in his hands.   


Next Chapter: The Maggots' Queen and her apprentices comes up. Sally and Alex in Cairo-will Jonathan catch up with them or not? And what lies on the bottom of sacred pool in Hamunaptra? And will Jonathan's girls manage to ruin O'Connell's Mansion before the family will come back from their trip? Find the answers in the next chapter, and don't forget about reviews, dear readers! 

**_Seti the Last._**   
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Maggot Princess

Mum4.html Again, thanks to my priceless readers, Aldrea Übel Serpiente, Elyse Deschamps and Katie for your reviews! And you other guys-don't you remember my words about non-reviewing, hey? Don't be surprised if you find mob of enraged pygmies in your bedroom! 

**Chapter 4: Maggot Princess or back in Hamunaptra.**   


_German National Museum, Berlin._

Doors swung open, and Benny rushed towards the car, following by Imhotep, who in turn is following by 

something like regiment of vicious SS guys. 

Imhotep: Run, Benny, run! Get inside! 

Benny gets inside the Limousine, shuts the doors and revved the car, apparently ready to fly and leave his 

boss to deal with SS guys by himself. 

Imhotep: Don't you shut that door, Benny! Don't you shut that door! 

Benny (returning and opening car doors): Sorry, Master, just the memories from the past life! 

Imhotep gets into the car, shoves Anck-Su-Namun body on the back seat and smiles ominously. 

Benny (unnerved by ominous smile): And what we are going to do now? 

Imhotep (in a very menacing tone): I need human sacrifice to finish the ritual. 

Benny (panicking): Human sacrifice? Well, did I mention, Master, that I am half dwarf and half ogre? 

Imhotep (carelessly): Oh, I didn't mean you, you fool of Gabor. I need that girl from British Museum, stupid 

chick to whom I owe my revival. 

Benny: Are you sure it will be the best reward for her? 

Imhotep (with same ominous smile): Absolutely! 

***************__

_London, O'Connell's Mansion._

Imhotep and Benny walks inside the house to find a very jovial party, organized by Jonathan's 

girlfriends in the absence of owners. They invited all their friends, relatives and stray guys from the street, 

who are now feasting on Jonathan's whisky and Alex's apple pie, singing rude songs, drawing rude 

pictures on the walls and wrecking havoc. 

Imhotep (kind of confused): Now, whom of these girls I gonna sacrifice? 

Girls (chorusing): OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Take me! No, me! Take us all! Rip us! Tear us 

into pieces, you cool guy! 

Imhotep (considering this possibility but rejecting it at last): Later, ladies. 

He grabs Benny, who already joined the company and joyfully drunks whisky, by the back of his shirt and 

drags him on the upper story into O'Connell's studio. 

Here they saw the little note pinned to the wall near calendar: 

_Mum, Dad, don't worry, I left with Sally for Hamunaptra to kill bad guys and save the world._   
_Bye_   
_Alex_   
_P.S. Apple pie sucks!___

Imhotep (thoughtfully): So, they are in Hamuna… 

Instantly chokes and starts to run around the room as decapitated chicken. Benny is obviously surprised 

and no less amused. 

Benny: What's the matter, man? 

Imhotep points at calendar with trembling finger. Benny looks at it blankly. 

Imhotep: What is the year, you fool of Gabor? 

Benny: The year, the year… 

Looks at calendar more attentively and drops his jaw. Calendar indeed is kinda strange. Instead of normal 

dates it shows only the years with funny names:__

**_1933-Year of Scorpion_****__**

**_1934-Year of Leech_****__**

**_1935-Year of Louse_****__**

**_1935-Year of Flea_**

etc up to current year, which reads Year of Maggot (by the way, next is marked as Year of Butterfly, which 

makes a nice change). 

Benny: Well, I always knew O'Connell's nutts but what it has to do with you, my Prince? 

********** 

_Flashback to the ancient Egypt._

We can see the same cardboard pyramids as in the first two movies, only now they looks absolutely shabby, dingy and decayed, because film-makers ran out of money and bought them second-hand from "Indiana Jones" producers. Ominous pseudo-Egyptian music starts to play, and bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay, speaks: 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Hey, guys, why you cannot just pay to 

disclaimer, I'm tired of reading your stupid introductions, not mention that they are complete rubbish and 

historical nonsense! 

Author's voice: Shut up, you dude, I'm the author so just read this balderdash and go away! 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: One day I'll kill you…Anyway, this is the 

Thebes, city of the Living, great surprise! 

Author's voice: You nitwit, you read only from the script or I'll fire you! 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Ok, blockhead, here you go... 

Camera sweeps to the cardboard palace chamber with cardboard gilded statues of lions, falcons, bats, 

worms, all that covered with tourists' writings like "Peggy was here" and "Imhotep + Anck-Su-Namun= 

Love". Fat ugly woman sits in the center of the room on the pile of cushions, chewing banana and wearing 

nothing except of sulky expression on her face and great necklace with fat maggot made of fake gold on 

her neck. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Arnethrach, Pharaoh's daughter. No man is 

allowed to touch her. 

Men, who are not allowed to touch her: Cool! That's the relief! 

Arnethrach: Why?! Oh, I'm unhappy girl! 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Bored almost to death in her solitude, she 

arose the great army which destroyed her father's kingdom… 

Arnethrach: And it served him right! 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: But she was defeated at last because her 

army, consisting only of females, all got married except of their leader. So she ran into the desert and lived 

there on roots and maggots… 

Camera shows Arnethrach on the top of sand hill, mournfully munching dry roots and juicy maggots. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: But one day it came to her to make the 

bargain with Seth, God of the Darkness… 

Camera shows as the giant ugly maggot slithers out of the sand and the Princess picks it up and chews 

hungrily. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay, with obvious sneer: Or may be she just 

wanted to have a perfect meal… 

Author: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Ok, buddy, I got the point. So the God 

gave her toy bucket and toy shovel to make invincible soldiers out of sand… 

Camera shows the Princess, merrily fabricating invincible soldiers in form of great maggots from the sand. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: And she conquered whole country with her 

army… 

Camera shows great maggots creeping through the fields and cities and eating all that stays on their way. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay, with enormous relief: Look, it's the last page 

of the script! 

Author: OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOO! 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Ok, ok. Then, of course, in the hour of great 

triumph when she erupted into her father's palace and was about to cut off his head, this cheat of Seth 

snatched her soul from her body… 

Camera sweeps to Arnethrach's father palace and shows scared old man, looking with bulging eyes as his 

daughter swells to the size of little elephant, turns into maggot and bursts with horrible shriek. Necklace 

breaks, falls from her swelled neck and immediately sinks into sand and junk, which janitors forgot to 

sweep out of the room. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay:… and kept her utterly downtrodden in his 

dark underworld… 

Camera shows dark underworld. In the center of dark underworld stays an enormous mushroom with giant 

Arnethrach-faced maggot perched on it, smoking a long pipe and enjoying itself. 

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay :…until the hour will come and she will arise 

again with the army of Seth to destroy the entire world and humankind, oh, cool, that's it, I finished, I fini… 

Author: Cut him off, **CUT HIM OFF**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

*********** 

_Cairo, the central market_

Alex and Sally stays in the center of large noisy market square, looking bewildered and lost. 

Sally: Well, we have to get to Hamunaptra, so aren't we supposed to find some vehicle? 

Alex: Yeah. But what? 

Sally (tentatively): Camels? 

Alex: Not camels, you stupid girl! First, I hate them, those fleabags, they bite, they smell, and they spit. 

Second, we need something faster. 

Sally: Your suggestions? 

Alex: Well, in first movie it was plain airplane, in second crazy balloon with reactive generator, so this time 

it logically has to be something like flying carpet with antigravitation elements. 

He turns to the nearest shop and looks at the large fluorescent lettering over its entrance, which says: 

" Alladin & Co Ltd. World-best flying carpets with antigravitation elements, 3 years guarantee" 

Alex: Cool! That's it! 

Strolls into the shop, Sally shrugs and follows him.   
  
  
  


Next chapter: Whole party comes back to Hamunaptra. Jonathan acts heroically. And somebody gets eaten by somebody, but it's not what you suspect! Please read and review, **_REVIEW!!!!!!!!!_**__

_SETI THE LAST_   
  
  
  
  



	5. Back to Hamunaptra

Mum5.html Hmmm…….Thanks, Katie, you are my most faithful reader, and thanks, Scarab Bug, I always knew you bug guys fancies me.   
Other readers (if you exists)-please review! You can ask me why. Well, the answer is that, being an ancient Egyptian guy (yeah, and the High Priest of Seth, too) I have kind of hard time writing it in English. And, because the "hits counter" option is now closed, without your reviews I don't know if anybody reads it or I'm just amusing myself in this crazy way. So be a good boys and girls and let me know whether it's worth to continue or not. 

**_Sincerely_**   
****   
**_Seti the Last, High Priest of Seth._**   


**Chapter 5: Back to Hamunaptra.**   
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_Cairo, the central marketplace___

Alex and Sally exits from the shop, carrying moth-eaten shabby carpet. The owner of shop bows them out, 

shouting: "The simplest and most reliable model. Just sit on it and cry :"Fly, my carpet!" and it'll take you 

wherever you want!" 

Our heroes cross the square to the relatively quiet side lane, where Alex proudly perches onto their 

purchase and cries:"Fly, my carpet". Nothing happens. 

Sally: Oh, I knew it. 

Alex (with irritation): May be, it's just something wrong with my accent. 

Tries several accents, but nothing happens again. 

Alex: Well, we can just go and ask the dealer. 

They turns back to the shop, only to see that the group of workers is busy changing the emblem above the 

entrance to the other one, which says:" Best-quality magical beans. Have a problem with your IQ? Eat one 

of our beans and all your problems will be resolved!" 

Sally (with sneer): I feel you need one of those beans. 

Alex: Oh, shut up. I'll try to find the switch on it. 

Tries to find switch on the carpet, crawling under it in the dirt. 

Sally: Ok, I'll try to find something more reliable, and you just stay here. 

Smirks and disappears in the crowd, leaving Alex to fumble with the carpet.   
__

_Same marketplace, several hours later_   
__

Sally walks into the alley where she had left her boyfriend, but there is no sign of Alex there, as well as the 

carpet. However, some signs of their presence could be noticed-for example, the shop where they've 

bought the carpet is completely destroyed and half of the street is ruined as well. 

Sally: Oh, no. Didn't I just say him "Stay here"? 

Being a smart girl, she runs to the nearest prison. 

************** 

_Cairo Prison_

Camera shows a big clumsy lop-sided building, with huge cage dangling from the gallows in front of it. 

In the cage sits half-eaten human corpse with several grim and bald eagles still feasting on it. Table above 

the entrance says: "Welcome to the 1st state Cairo prison named after Snow-White". 

Fat filthy oily-eyed and smelly man, apparently warden, greets Sally at the doors: 

Warden: Step over the threshold of Cairo prison, my humble home. 

Sally: Don't be too happy, buddy. I'm looking for blond, tall, dashing guy with stupid physiognomy and smug 

airs around him. 

Warden (with disgust): Oh, this scum. Well, he's here. 

Sally: And what is this man in for? 

Warden: This crazy bastard wrecked the shop of meritorious Abdullah Ibn Acbar, maimed several citizens 

and policemen and spitted into judge's face. And when he was asked what he did it all for, he said he was 

just looking for a good time! 

Sally: Well, it looks like my dear buddy Alex. 

Warden (continues): Naturally, we've sent him for psychiatry expertise, but as he appears to be sane, we 

are going to hang him right now. 

The noise of assembling crowd can be heard. People make bets on the Alex's hanging. 

Guy N1: I bet his neck will break! 10 $. 

Guy N2: I bet he will be strangled to death, 20 $. 

Guy N3: Dudes, he's young O'Connell. I bet some crazy bitch will come and save his neck, 1000 $. 

Guys N2 and N1 (mournfully): Damn, is he really? Well then we lost our bets. 

Warden and Sally pushed their way through the crowd to the first row. 

Warden: Hey, girlie, I can bet you came to save his life! 

Sally (indignantly): No, actually I came to enjoy his hanging. 

Alex is dragged to the gallows by two sulky guards, who already fastened the rope on his neck. 

Sally (cheerfully, with applause): Go on, hang him! 

Warden (apparently confused): And if I give you 100 pounds? 

Sally: Are you kidding? I'd pay 100 pounds myself to see him hanged! 

Warden: 200 pounds. 

Sally: No! 

Warden: 300 pounds. 

Sally: No! 

Warden: 500 pounds!!! 

Sally (looking at him lustfully and putting her arm on his knee): And what else? I'm very lonely girl! 

Warden flinches in disgust and slaps her arm with the heavy book, entitled "1001 way of hanging". 

Sally: Ouch! Hang him, you bastards! 

Alex falls through the trap door, but his neck didn't break. He's now dangling on the rope, desperately 

struggling for air. 

Sally (joyfully): Cool! His neck did not break! Now we'll watch him strangled to death! 

Warden (with tears on his little piggy eyes): Oh, I cannot see it! Poor young man! I know the location of 

Hamunaptra! 

Sally: You lie! 

Warden (indignantly): I would never! I give you 10 %. 

Sally: 100%. 

Warden: 30% 

Sally: 100% 

Warden: 99.999% 

Sally: And 500 pounds in cash right now? 

Warden: All right. 

Sally: DONE! 

Warden (blissfully): Cut him down! 

Sally descends the stairs to pick up her rather turquoise-colored boyfriend, stuffing 500 banknotes in her 

jeans pocket. 

Guy N3: I won, i won!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Then Sally, Warden and Alex, who is still desperately gulping for air, runs out of the prison, Sally in lead. 

Alex: Where are we going? 

Sally: You'll see. 

They cross the city and are now in the desert near small airfield. Sally leads them to military helicopter 

perched in the center of it. 

Warden: What the Hell is this? 

Sally: "Black hawk", last model. I borrowed it from "Peacemaker" crew. Now get in, you dullards! 

They all gets in, Sally on pilot's seat, and the helicopter takes off towards Hamunaptra. 

************** 

At the same time in the another quarter of Cairo 

Jonathan stays on the road to Hamunaptura, glumly hiking during 3 hours already without any visible 

effect. Loads of tourist cars and buses with mark "Cairo-Hamunaptra" on their windscreen races down the 

road but no one would stop to pick him. 

Jonathan: It seems to be pointless. 

Pulls the bottle of whisky out of his pocket and is ready to take a break. 

At this moment giant sand whirlwind appears on the road. 

Part of the sand gathers into enormous slogan "Cairo-Hamunaptra Imhotep's transportation -the fastest 

and the most reliable way to get to Hamunaptra. Tickets in economical class 100 $, in business class 300 $, 

free cold drinks. Let us to take care about your safety!" 

Jonathan: Sounds cool. 

Searches in his pockets and ends up with 100 S banknote. 

Jonathan (to whirlwind, handing him a banknote): Here you go! 

Hand emerges from whirlwind, snatches the money and ladder rolls out of the sand. Jonathan ascends into 

the whirlwind and it takes off towards Hamunaptra. 

************** 

_Not far from Hamunaptra_

Giant whirlwind comes into view. It disintegrated, and when the air cleaned up we can see Jonathan, lying 

in the sand, Anck-Su-Namun, lying on the top of Jonathan and Benny, lying on the top of Anck-Su-Namun. 

Anck-Su-Namun (to Jonathan and Benny): Gerroffme!!!!!! Gerroffme!!!!! 

Benny: I need a new job. 

Jonathan: I too. 

On the top of the high sand mound appears Imhotep in the black robe and Polaroid sunglasses. 

Imhotep: It's stiffing here! 

He counts the day income and hisses: Benny, where is the rest? 

Benny reluctantly hands him the rest of money. 

Imhotep: Anyway, it's a lousy business, the profits are minute and expense vast. I think about closing it. 

Anck-Su-Namun (in squeaking voice, to Imhotep): You scrooge, I ordered the seat in business class! Why 

should I share my seat with those scoundrels?! 

Imhotep: Shut up! 

Instantly the noise of propellers from above attracts everybody's attention. It's helicopter with Sally, Alex 

and Warden. 

Jonathan (jumps up and down, waves at helicopter and shouts on the top of his lungs): Look at this! It's 

Alex! It's my nephew! Can you see him? All you guys look at him! 

Imhotep: Are you sure it's him? 

Jonathan: Of course I am sure! 

Imhotep: Thank you very much for information! 

Climbs on the top of the hill, opens his mouth wide…and a world-biggest wasp flies into it, buzzing angrily. 

Imhotep chokes, spits out the wasp and shouts at the Universal Studios workers, lurking around: You 

idiots, cannot you just repel all the insects? 

Universal Studios workers scuttle around a little, then the cloud of poisonous repellent rises into the air. 

When the cloud dissipates we can see that all people, except of Imhotep, lies on their backs half throttled. 

Imhotep (taking off respirator): You idiots, couldn't you do better than DTT? 

He climbs back on the top of hill, open his mouth wide and…the world-biggest raven with wriggling 

worm in his beak stuffs the worm down Imhotep's throat, crying: "Eat it, my son!" 

Imhotep swallows the worm, because it's too deep in his throat to be spitted off, and as the result gets 

really angry. He cast the spell that kills all the living beings in vicinity, except of Anck-Su-Namun (who is 

still not exactly living being), Benny and Jonathan (because author need them to continue this sequel). 

At the third time Imhotep open his mouth, and nothing flies in, but also no sand wall appears. 

Benny (tentatively): Look, Master, your curse killed the fan crew, so the fan is switched off. 

Imhotep (with irritation): Then switch it on, you fool of Gabor! 

Benny switches the fan on and giant sand wall appears. It forms into something like huge shark and chases 

the helicopter through the screen, snapping with its jaws aggressively. 

Imhotep (mildly confused): Isn't it supposed to be my face? 

Benny: Oh those blockheads mixed it up with scene from "Jaws-3". 

Jonathan (looking horrified, to Imhotep): Stop it, it will kill them! 

Benny (coolly) : That's the idea. 

Jonathan: Then it leaves me no another possibility… 

Runs to Imhotep and kisses him passionately on the mouth. Imhotep chokes and gets sick, so the sand wall 

disappears. 

Imhotep (with his eyes bulging): BLEARGH! 

Jonathan (with triumph in his voice): Always dreamed about this minute! But sorry, got to run… 

Runs towards Hamunaptra, crying "Wait for me, Alex, wait for me!" 

Anck-Su-Namun (jealously, to Imhotep): You kissed him, I saw it! 

Benny: Well, I love all this sand wall, it was beautiful, bastard…Now where are we going, boss? 

Imhotep (viciously): To wash my teeth, you idiot! 

**Next chapter: Apple pies…And Jonathan gets a lot of whisky. And apple pies all around the place, COZZ I'M STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_AND DON'T FORGET ABT REVIEWS!_

**_Seti the Last_**   
  


  
  
  
  
  



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